Warning: Just extreme sadness and full on RAGE in this one folks. Oh and the occasional swearword…HA! not occasional, that was a complete lie. I have got to work on that..
Me: “So, what’s the plan?”
Him: “I can’t do this anymore – it doesn’t feel right. I wanted to see you today and feel butterflies and be like, “Yup, she is The One,” but I don’t feel it. To be honest, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with you“
Me: “………I meant, food wise?”
This is going to be a bit of a long one folks so get comfy and let’s get to it…
I’d like to think there is a special place in hell reserved for guys who lead you on for year (FINE – 11.5 months!) and then dump you in a gym car park. A sub section where every day their balls are attacked with a syphilitic cheese grater whilst they are forced to watch the panel of Loose Women discuss the perfect sanitary product for the heavy set, heavy flow woman on a continuous never-ending loop for all of eternity.
Bitter much? Haha – do you know what maybe I am a bit but I have also come to realise that I was just to blame in this as he was because I allowed myself to put up with it.
I don’t overly want to go into because 1) this guy doesn’t deserve more of my time and attention and 2) as much as I am annoyed I finally feel ready to move on…ish. I mean for fuck sake after a year I should hope any woman would.
This is just a very simple story of a girl who meets an emotionally unavailable, very damaged man-child and they engage in an extremely toxic (and for someone who has BPD) a very dangerous on again – off again relationship slash fling slash sexual friendship slash complete and utter MESS. When I say toxic, I mean the worst of the worst – screaming matches, people kicking other people out of their houses and cars (mainly him kicking me out), on and off ghosting (again, mainly him doing this to me), last minute plan cancellations (again, him…are we beginning to see a pattern?) drunken conversations about love then lots of regret and denial the morning after (yeah you guessed it..), humiliations (actually I was the one humiliated) and lots and lots of crying (this one was also me). Now, let’s be fair, it wasn’t all bad, there were good times but they were few and far between.
Now like most toxic unions they end and somehow come back together, so what’s different this time you say? I have had my eyes opened in the most painful way. Don’t get me wrong, the 5 times before when it ended (and fucking spectacularly) it hurt but each time I felt sad that it was over, I felt like I was to blame and that if I had just done something differently it wouldn’t have ended. This time I was sad but I was sad for ME. I felt like I just abused my soul by putting up with the behaviour he was exhibiting and the way he was treating me yet again. So instead of crying this time, I went full on rage mode. I screamed and shouted (and possibly punched a car dashboard..ahem) not because I was mad at him (well, maybe a bit) but I was mad at myself. I had cheapened myself. I had done myself a disservice. After all the abuse I had encountered over the years, I always promised myself that I would never hurt myself the way others had hurt me and in the midst of that god-awful conversation it was like I had an out of body experience and literally lost all respect for myself. I did what I promised myself I never would.
And I was PISSED.
I was angry, sad, defeated, broken, disgusted – every single horrible adjective you could think of I was feeling. Now it’s been a few weeks since and although I still feel those things I am learning to forgive myself because I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. That is the hardest thing to do for me – forgive myself. I find it so hard to do because I knew this was mentally dangerous for me, I knew that by putting myself in this situation time and time again as a BPD sufferer the outcome could have been death.
I know that seems dramatic to those of you don’t suffer from BPD or any mental illness but those of you who do can probably attest to this. When you suffer with something as detrimental as BPD you are rolling the dice each and every time you engaged with someone who is dangerous to you and I guess that’s why I was pissed. I was willing to die for someone who treated me as less than an option, who treated me as convenience. I felt I was worth that little.
What doesn’t help that we go to the same gym! The one place I feel is like my safe haven and my special place seems to infected with this pond scum. OOOHHH Shrin…that was harsh – Look, I don’t hate him…in fact I think loved him and I am just hurting. Hurting for us both because unfortunately he is also dealing with (or in his case, not, dealing with) a lot of hurt and pain.
I would love to be like an ethereal, selfless, full of love goddess who can be like “We loved, we shared, now it is over and I wish you well and all the joy in the world” but I am so not there yet so he needs to not exist to me, at least for now. Maybe in a few months I will blossom into that goddess or I will be on the news for throwing a kettle bell at his head. It’s very 50/50 at the moment, guys.
Now bear with me but I am starting to, very slowly, see this as a beautiful blessing in disguise because if this hadn’t had happened in the most heinous of fashions I wouldn’t have come to the realisation that I need to start taking better care of myself because I mean something and I deserve to be treated with love and respect. The only way I can expect to be treated that way is to start treating myself that way. So yeah, I fucked up again with this guy for the millionth time but this time I WILL LEARN, not only for me, but for all of you BPD-ers out there.
I am making it sound like this is an easy thing to do – to fundamentally change how I have been allowing myself to be treated for near on 10 years and it really isn’t. I have already slipped here and there – not through contacting him – I don’t even want to breathe the same air as him right now but through missing him, thinking about how good certain things were, whether he misses me or thinks about me – that sort of stuff. I know that all of those thoughts and feelings are normal to have but they don’t make them any less painful.
I know deep down that if I want to preach self-love and self-respect I actually need to do it and if I can get through to just one person who is struggling in something that could literally end their life then I have done what I was put on this earth to do. Help others. I know my other posts are normally peppered with more humour (and don’t worry next week they will be – she says) but I just wanted to stress the importance of keeping yourself safe if you find yourself in the same or similar situation to me.
You are going to do what you want to do and that is fine because how else are you going to learn? BUT, please, keep yourself safe.
If you find yourself acting erratically, maybe you are drinking more, spending more, doing crazy things to impress them or to distract yourself from what you’re feeling then talk to someone, call your best friend, book a counselling appointment or call Samaritans or Mental Health Matters (numbers below). Don’t brush aside those feelings just because you feel you NEED this person to survive because believe me you don’t and this person – through no fault of their own, they have their own shit going on – could actually be your poison instead of your cure.
Take it from me, this time I was lucky but there were other times where I was very close to not being here writing this….and no one on this earth is worth you not being here. You are here for a reason, a beautiful, life altering reason, even if you don’t know it yet.
Just remember if you are in the throes of a horrific breakup and you are hurting so bad you don’t know how to make it through the next hour let alone the rest of your life, know that I am here with you and you are and forever will be, loved.
o Samaritans: 116 123/ email: firstname.lastname@example.org
o Mental Health Matters: 0800 107 0160