Christmas 2017 :
1) Inappropriate feelings towards the festivities? Check
2) Inexplicable sadness followed by lots of guilt? Check
3) A fuck load of food & drink? Double check Ho! Ho! Ho!
I’m going to keep this short and sweet (I say that a lot, don’t I?) Anyway, I hope you’re all managing well today and for those of you who are like me and aren’t doing so good, don’t worry — it’s so very nearly over (depending on what time you retire to your amazingly supportive, non-judgemental bed)
Last year I was at my grandad’s house with all my family members and I really thought I’d be okay, forget what I was living with and enjoy myself.
Oh boy, how wrong was I?!
I had fun (ish) but every time I was even alone for even a second I had an unbearable pain bubble up inside of me which needed suppressing so I reached for the nearest bottle. Amongst other things…
Needless to say I was horrendously shit-faced that Christmas.
Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a massive Christmas “gal.” Outward displays of affection make me feel uncomfortable and spending too much time at home even more so. This year it was just the immediates in the family home so I mentally prepared myself for that oh-so-familiar feeling of loneliness, pain and anger.
I’m happy to report so far I have only been visited by two out of the three, which isn’t so bad. It’s kinda like a really shitty version of A Christmas Carol but instead of the three ghosts I have the three “feels” –
It’s not all doom and gloom though! This year I am much more prepared. I have some amazing films to keep me entertained and I’ve learnt from last year! I am actively trying to stay away from all things toxic (which is so hard as you may have noticed from my Snapchats – you’re welcome 😂)
I can’t speak for everyone who is living with a mental health issue, but for me, I’m not being aloof or disengaged on purpose. It’s kind of like a defence mechanism – you do what you can to cope with what you’ve got. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t.
Fighting demons in yourself and then trying to paint on a smile can be exhausting but the main thing is – I am trying my best and that’s all that matters!
I wanted to take a minute to say how proud I am of the people I know who are going through trauma in their own lives who still continue to show up every day and be the best. You guys are the true heroes and your bravery inspires me. I don’t want to mention names but you guys know who you are. Never forget who you are and what you bring to the table.
Together we can get through anything life throws at us. We are unstoppable and a force to be reckoned with.
So let’s keep it going guys – we’ve got through every day so far so I know we can get through today. Well done to all of you who showed up and made the effort, you smashed it and I’m fucking proud of you!
Merry Christmas, My Darlings ❤️
We’ve got this….✌🏽