Commencing Countdown…Engines On…

2017. What can I say?

Wow guys. Another year is coming to end and another one is coming up. It’s really funny to me how everyone gets a metaphorical boner over the New Year. Especially the people who spout the “New Year, New Me” bullshit. Newsflash people, I didn’t care about version 1 of you, so please take this as me unsubscribing from the sub-par melodrama that is your life.

I’m all for improving, growing and developing yourself what I don’t particularly care for is the reckless abandon of everything that has been learnt in the year that’s coming to an end.

People want to kick 2017 to the kerb, move on and ultimately forget what a hideous year this has been and if you asked me 2 months ago what I thought about 2017 I’d probably agree with them! I would have been glad to see the end of this year BUT something recently in me has changed.

2017 for me was brutal.

“Mark” and I had split after 6 years. I had to move out of “our” (now his) house and back home. I lost my job. I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had a car crash. I had two emergency operations and I met “Alex” – and we all know how fucking ridiculous that situation was. But do I want to forget everything that happened?

No, I don’t – and let me tell you why.

Yes, 2017 was crap, it was worse than crap, words cannot describe how bad it actually was but this was the year where I learnt the most about myself and I learnt how resilient the human spirit is.

There were multiple times across the year where I was paralysed with sadness, crumpled on the floor. There were multiple times across the year I was blinded by rage and betrayal. There were multiple times across the year where I was rejected and humiliated by a damaged man who I fell in love with and continue to go back to. There were multiple times across the year where I wanted to run away and never come back. And there were multiple times across the year where I wanted to give up on this life but I didn’t.

Even when I reached my lowest low and was staring at a packet of sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka, something in me said: “No, not today. Just get through the next 24 hours…that’s it. Tomorrow we will start again”

And that’s what I did. I got through my life 24 hours at a time. It was soul destroying at times but ultimately, it was also freeing.

As this year was coming to an end, I realised I could get through anything and if I hadn’t had the worst year of my life (so far – I’m sure the universe has lots waiting for me, good and bad) I wouldn’t have realised that.

So instead of forgetting about this year and inventing a “new me” I want to say thank you to this year and loving myself exactly as I am.

Thank you to “Mark” and “Alex” – thanks for helping me to realise that I don’t need a guy in my life to be happy or complete. Thank you for giving up on us and making room in my life for amazingly awesome things to happen. I owe you one 😉

Thank you to all my family & friends who stayed and to those who left. You taught me how to stand on my own two feet and learn to be my own validation.

Thank you to The Universe for breaking me down to help me build myself back up. Thank you for forcing me to go through painful lessons. Thank you for teaching me how to love myself even when I really didn’t want to and thank you for helping me realise that I really have got this shit down.

So here’s to 2017, especially the really really god awful parts….it’s been real

Peace ✌🏽

4 Comments

  1. I dont subscribe to New Year New me either. We all make mistakes and bad things happen. We can’t erase them or change them but we can learn from them. Here’s to 2018 a year of more mistakes and more lessons learnt but also of the little things that remind us that sometimes life is good.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You really have been through one hell of a year and I’m sorry you had to go through it all, you should be so proud you have made it and come out of it all at the other side. I hope you have a better 2018 and make it your year!

    Liked by 1 person

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