There’s still so many things I’m afraid to do or afraid to be even though a huge part of me wants to do them or be it? Not sure if that makes sense. It ranges from what I think can be seen as little things to slightly larger things. Not entirely sure what this will accomplish talking about my fears or rather writing about them. They say if you admit and accept your fears or concerns they lose their power but they also say if you believe things wholeheartedly and repeat them over and over you can manifest them sooooo with that logic in mind, if you keep believing your fears are founded and think about them a lot you actually manifest them, which is NOT ideal so, yeah….
Anyway; let’s just get on with it and if anything happens that I didn’t like or want then I’ll report back and let you know what NOT to do. Think of me as your own personal guinea pig.
Okay so let’s list this shit out (oh and if I’ve posted this before and I’m losing my mind feel free to alert me and then the relevant medical professionals, cheeers)
1. BUZZCUT: I’ve always want to shave my hair off but I’m too scared to do it for a number reasons but the main one is because I’m worried I won’t be seen as attractive to people anymore (and that people will have judge me) and because my self worth and validity is still tied up in other people’s opinions I’m too shit scared to make the jump. Not only that if I hate it will take forever to grow out and I’ll be stuck looking like an Indian egg for months upon months upon months.
2. TATTOOS: So I’ve got a tattoo on my foot of a swallow (that’s what she said – aha, I’m so immature. Love it) and I sometimes like it and other times really don’t. I often crush over beautiful girls who are fully tatted up and I wiiiiish I had the balls to get more tattoos BUT the reason I don’t is because I am not totally in love with my body right now and adding more tattoos would draw attention to it that I don’t think I want. The reason for this insecurity is that I’m still poorly I’m not able to work out and my relationship with my body isn’t the greatest. I want to love it/her but it doesn’t look the way I want it/her too. I know that isn’t her/it/MY fault and I need to be more compassionate with myself but it’s something I struggle with.
Totally just realised that this is a list of my insecurities and I did a few videos on that. So I’m not losing my mind so much as I’m losing inspiration. Yay.
There’s more that I want to do but am scared to do but nothing is springing to mind yet (where’s a muse when you need one?!) but what I’ve realised is that the two things I want to do but am scared to do are related directly to how I look. My issue isn’t as simple as being scared.
My issue is that if I change what I look like; I won’t be accepted or valued.
I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. An old therapist used to say to me when I felt conflicted: “what advice would you give your best friend?” And if he/she came to me with the stuff I mentioned above I’d probably hug him/her and say this….
We all feel that way at some point each day. That we won’t fit in, be accepted, loved or valued. However if people ostracise you, belittle you, judge you, abandon you based on what you look like then they aren’t the people you need in your life. By showing their true selves they are giving you the opportunity to move forward and find the people who love you for your character, your passions, your integrity and your soul. They say when your time comes to an end, you regret the things you didn’t do. So – DO it. Do the things that you want to do but scare you. Don’t look back in regret, look forward in anticipation. If it isn’t harming yourself or others; lean into the fear, lean into the unknown and GO FOR IT.
I would say this and mean it. 100%.
But does this mean I’m going to grab the clippers and book my next tattoo tomorrow? Probably not. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
One day though…who knows?!